Dr. So-and-So

Warning: Possible boring as all get out blog post below. Read at your own risk of falling asleep.

I did not blog much about my experience as a doctoral student. I decided to pursue doctoral study to open my opportunities and because, well, I'm a nerd. I read books like Student Success in College and A is for Admissions and Sociology in Education for fun. I shop for pleasure reading in the textbook section of the University Bookstore. You don't do that if you aren't destined or academia.

What is odd is that while actually enrolled in the program, I wanted to be watching TV or hanging out with friends instead of studying and writing papers. I enjoyed class but lacked motivation. I thought I didn't want to be in school anymore. I had a posh life my first couple of quarters--an assistantship working with people I liked and getting free tuition for a world-class education. And I gave it up for laziness.

But the moment I left the program last year, I missed it. I missed the collegiate atmosphere, being around like-minded people who had read the same nerdy books and understood the world of higher education. The discussions of improving America's educational systems and addressing issues of social injustice and inequality as it related to school (usually in the form of access). The idea that I could make a change. The idea that I was meant for more than advising for the next 40 years.

So I returned. Again, I enjoyed class. I was thrilled to be back on campus, learning the history of education and how we got to the point we are at today, learning the cultural and social mores that drive our educational systems.

But I had a problem. I like to know where I'm going. And the thing with a doctoral program is that it's nebulous. You have to figure out on your own what you need and what questions to ask. I didn't know. I didn't know how to connect one class to another. I wrote a paper on the Seven Sisters in one class and organizational theory as it related to the budget crisis at a community college in the next. It all seemed fragmented and I could not see how to pull it together.

I didn't know what I was doing, but everyone else seemed to. People who began the program at the same time as me seemed on the direct path to graduation. I am the type A person who needs a plan. There are about 5 prescribed classes on my degree plan...the rest is up to you. So I picked classes at random. I didn't know what to choose for a dissertation topic, or even what choices to choose from. I felt lost. I felt like I just couldn't do it.

I left the program a second time. And I've missed it again. All the things I mentioned before is what I miss so I won't list it all again. I have checked 10 books out of the UNT library and read several articles on a possible dissertation topic. Now that the pressure of having to do it for school is off, I have thrown myself into it FOR FUN. However, I will not do what I did last time, the boomerang move back to Seattle from Texas. Isn't there some old saying about repeating the same actions and expecting different results amount to idiocy? Well, I may be many things but let's hope idiot isn't one of them.

If I return to the program, I know that I will need things to be different.
1) I will need to know exactly what classes remain for me to move on to exams.
2) I will need to have narrowed down my dissertation topic to perhaps 2-3 options that I feel confident I can move forward with, though preferably I would have completely settled on a topic.
3) I would need regular support from the following: my faculty advisor, a staff mentor, and at least 2 peers, preferably one ahead of me in the program and one at the same stage.

I have ideas churning in my mind addressing all of these.

1) I have outlined 3 possibilities for remaining classes. My advisor would need to approve these. The one I'm hoping for is the one that would only require 17 more credits before I hit the dissertation phase. (17 credits amounts to approximately 6 classes.) The more likely scenario would require 21 more credits.

2) I have been talking with my fantastic friend Uyen who herself is writing her dissertation for her PhD in higher education. She is an invaluable resource right now. She has helped me with focusing in on possible topics, one being a study of advising relationships at the doctoral level and how those affect student experience. Another I have contemplated is the cohort vs. non-cohort structure of a doctoral program--does the level of support offered by a cohort positively, negatively, or not affect student success?

3) I am a person who needs loads of support and can't go it alone. But in an effort to not look stupid (doctoral students do NOT want to appear stupid and academically they are used to not looking stupid, in case you hadn't guessed) and not continually bother busy people, I tried to just go it alone. And anyone who has attemped doctoral education can tell you that going it alone is nearly impossible and completely miserable. The experience is inherently isolating because generally your friends and family probably don't understand or care about the issues that you are throwing yourself into, body and soul. So I have my advisor, and he has been incredibly supportive and available when I have asked for help. I stopped asking, though. So I would need to pick up that relationship again. I would also ask for mentorship from my fanstastic supervisor at the Information School at the UW that I just interned with and from my other fantastic supervisor from my assistantship at the UW my first year. My assigned peer mentor has been a fabulous support that I have off and on taken advantage of, and would need to continue to do so. And there's a gal who started at the same time as me who has never looked back (to my knowledge) and is stinking brilliant.

So these are my thoughts. Now, don't worry. I have no plans of doing another boomerang move to Seattle. I miss Jesse and of course he plays into all of this. But I have learned that my life is my own, and I can only count on me. So I plan to think about this and talk with my advisor over the next several months to see how things progress, namely with a dissertation topic, and if this is what I want for my life. The moral of this too-long blog story? We'll see.