Thursday, October 28, 2010

missing Africa

I just looked through Kari's Senegal blogs, and started to feel blue. Especially when I saw pictures of dear friends that I haven't seen in 6.5 years.

It's strange how I've spent only 1/16th of my life in Africa, but it feels like a second home. My heart actually aches sometimes to be back there. To smell the funk, to eat the yassa, to laugh with my African friends when I hardly understand what's being said, to hold my orphan babies. And to worry that they think I've forgotten them. Don't they realize that Africa gets inside and stays, that it will not let you forget (even if you wanted to, which I don't).

I saw the documentary Babies last weekend and HIGHLY recommend it. I have been wanting to see it because it has two things I adore: babies and cultures. In case you don't know the film documents the lives of four babies from birth to first steps. The babies are from Namibia (my first adventure to Africa in 2000), Mongolia, Japan (where I'm dying to go), and San Francisco.

I watched it by myself and laughed, cried, you name it. Then, I watched it again with Jesse because I needed him to have just a glimpse of the Africa that is such an important part of my life.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

not hungry

It finally happened. Peggy's not hungry.

In 2004, I went on a bit of an anorexic streak. But for the last 5 years, I have been a solid eater. So solid that I eat when I'm not hungry. One of those boredom eaters. Also, a midnight snacker. It's not a binge thing. I eat a 90 calorie granola bar in the middle of the night. Or maybe a string cheese. But for some reason, when I get up to pee, I feel a compulsive urge to go grab a little somethin-somethin.

Then came Monday. On Monday, I ate a Hawaiian bagel w/cream cheese for breakfast. Then a chicken teriyaki bowl for lunch. Pretty normal. THEN.

A massive headache hit around 3pm, but I forced myself to go to class. At about 6:30, I thought I was going to pass out. Or puke. Or both. 20 minutes later, class ended and I drove home.

Rewind: a typical evening food-wise for me is to eat dinner. Then eat a snack. Then eat dessert. Then another little snack. Then bed. Then the midnight snack. (You can see how I gained back 20 pounds since 2004). Mind you, they were usually the light options I mentioned earlier...but lots of low cal stuff still adds up to high cal.

I felt incomplete if I didn't eat my little ritual. It would bug me and bug me until I grabbed that snack.

Back to the present: so on Monday I arrive home and despite the nausea and headache, start my ritual. I microwaved a Lean Cuisine frozen pizza. I ate about half of it over 2.5 hours. Then threw it away. Then went to bed.

Now it's Thursday. For 3 days, I have eaten like a bird. Peggy doesn't eat like a bird. Peggy eats like an hombre.

I feel fine. No more headache, no more nausea since Monday night. But also, no appetite.

I stepped on the scale today. 3.5 pounds down in a week.

I'm sure I will talk to my therapist about this on Tuesday.

Oh yeah, I see a therapist.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

dare i say it? sanity may have returned.

i say "may have" because i am in no position to jinx myself when it comes to my sanity.

since 2006, i have had WAY too many jobs. i have moved WAY too many times. i have had WAY too many deaths in the family. the only thing stable, really, has been my instability.

now here it is. 2010. i have a job that i like. i'm kickin' ass in school. my roommate is a super cool party person and i love our crib.

BUT...i am considering a change.

don't worry. it's not the change you are probably thinking. this change would not require some fine-tuning on the resume. nor would it involve filling out another change of address form with the US Post Office.

__________________________

i had a conversation with a co-worker about religion/faith the other day. she's looking for a church because her son will be two years old soon. i know that's why a lot of people decide to try to figure out what they believe in and they want a place they can go to learn how to best raise their kids in a moral way.

i get that. really, it makes sense.

but for me? i just want to figure out this faith thing for myself. but i have to be honest. i say that, yet i don't really do anything about it except think about it. i do think about it a lot though.

but i come back to the same conclusion (again, with no other effort outside of thinking about it). that i tried my hardest to "get it" (that thing they call Christianity) for 15 years. that's a long time. and i didn't get it.

the 3 times i've gone to church in the past 2.5 years? i felt weird. not a good weird.

so i don't know.

but i'll keep thinking about it.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

0-60 in ...

So from late March when I left UNT and returned to Seattle until September 13 when I started my new job at North Seattle Community College, my schedule went a little like this:

9-ish...wake up (although really this varied from 8-ish to 10ish)
9-11 am watch Regis & Kelly, then The View
11 am - 3 pm some form of productivity, usually in the form of studying at a coffee shop
side note: okay, 11-3 is really generous. it was actually more like this:
11--leave house
11:30--arrive at coffee shop
11:45-12:00--order and set up computer
12:00-2:00--at best, this was my study time, usually partly spent checking email and Facebook because I don't have internet at home; some days, I decided to leave early and walk Jesse's dog because that was more fun
2:00-2:30--start packing up, because there could be traffic and I didn't want to be late for Ellen
2:30-3:00--drive back home
3-5 pm watch Ellen and Oprah
5 pm considered more productivity, but usually Jesse came home and that plan went to crap
*Note: On Wednesday mornings I was in class. The 11-3 study session generally did not happen on Wednesdays. Also, on Monday evenings I had my other class so I did deviate from the 5pm-bedtime routine on Mondays.

I took 2 courses in the Spring quarter for a grand total of 6 hours per week in class and as you saw above, perhaps 4 hours of quality study time each weekday.

In the summer quarter, I took a class for one month in June, requiring approximately 6 hours per week in class and some study time (see above).

I spent the rest of the summer leisurely working on my General Exam. It wasn't a piece of cake, but let's face it. When it's ALL you are doing (literally), there were a lot of days I didn't touch it. Or I put in some token amount of time so I didn't feel completely lazy.

Enter September 13th, 2010.
I now have been working full-time and started my last two courses this Fall quarter. My schedule looks like this:
Monday: work 8-3:30; class 4:30-7
Tuesday: work 8-5:30; standing appointment 6-7
Wednesday: work 8-5:30; run whatever errands have been neglected
Thursday: work 8-3:30; class 4:30-7
Friday: work 8-4:30; refuse to do anything but lay on the couch
Saturday-Sunday: study, study, study

Since this is my last quarter of coursework, I am convinced I will survive because I only have to keep this schedule up for 9 weeks. Surely, that's possible. Although I very nearly fell asleep while the President of NSCC spoke at a meeting yesterday, and I'm only in week 2.

We will see if I still have a pulse by December 9th.