i say "may have" because i am in no position to jinx myself when it comes to my sanity.
since 2006, i have had WAY too many jobs. i have moved WAY too many times. i have had WAY too many deaths in the family. the only thing stable, really, has been my instability.
now here it is. 2010. i have a job that i like. i'm kickin' ass in school. my roommate is a super cool party person and i love our crib.
BUT...i am considering a change.
don't worry. it's not the change you are probably thinking. this change would not require some fine-tuning on the resume. nor would it involve filling out another change of address form with the US Post Office.
__________________________
i had a conversation with a co-worker about religion/faith the other day. she's looking for a church because her son will be two years old soon. i know that's why a lot of people decide to try to figure out what they believe in and they want a place they can go to learn how to best raise their kids in a moral way.
i get that. really, it makes sense.
but for me? i just want to figure out this faith thing for myself. but i have to be honest. i say that, yet i don't really do anything about it except think about it. i do think about it a lot though.
but i come back to the same conclusion (again, with no other effort outside of thinking about it). that i tried my hardest to "get it" (that thing they call Christianity) for 15 years. that's a long time. and i didn't get it.
the 3 times i've gone to church in the past 2.5 years? i felt weird. not a good weird.
so i don't know.
but i'll keep thinking about it.
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7 comments:
i love this.. your honesty, especially. i hope you blog about your seeking. it's a beautiful inspiration for this weird mystic :)
i look at the people around me who proclaim to have faith figured out. it's something they are comfortable with, don't struggle with, etc. and those people? their lives have been a friggin' walk in the park. no death, no having the very foundation of their life broken under their feet. their faith is easy for them because it's never been tested, they've never had to ask whether God is real, and if He is, why does He allow the things He does. and i might sound incredibly judgemental here...but i imagine their faith is also very weak and fragile.
i gave up on religion and christianity years ago...i want no part of it. and until this summer, church has been really freaking weird and uncomfortable to me. because my faith was tested, and in a lot of ways, destroyed. and here's my conclusion: Jesus is all i want. He's the only thing worth putting my faith and heart into. and saying that right there...it took years for me to get to that point. years of thinking, years of forcing myself to pick up the Bible and read it because i needed to figure it out for myself.
i guess this is my rambling way of saying that you aren't alone in this search. all we can do is figure out our faith for ourself and no one else. and it's hard when your world has been turned upside down and inside out. anyways, this is my way of saying i'm here if you ever need anything. give it time, let Him show you how worthy He is of your love.
just as long as it doesn't involve shaving your head, dressing in a robe, and wanging a gong while chanting in an airport terminal.
(and that - only because it would interfere with your studies...)
Pegs,
I love your writing and I love your honesty as well. Have you ever thought that you may be thinking too much? Maybe you should just start having faith that you cannot understand it all and may never get it all, and that's okay.
I say read a lot, pray, meditate and study on it. It will come to you. Don't feel forced to follow a certain religion or set of rules because you feel that's what's expected.
I think we need to have more conversations. I think, I ponder, I pray, I wonder.
Kay Arthur has a new book, When the Hurt Runs Deep. And of course, there's Philip Yancey - I love his books: Reaching for the Invisible God, and Disappointment with God. I know you like to read, so there are a few suggestions for your search. I love you, girl!
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