dream

so for a long time after daddy died, i had nightly nightmares. nightly, as in every night. it was very disturbing. they had not yet subsided when grandma died. so i got new kinds of nightmares. they finally were slowing down a little, and i had been getting better sleep.

last night, i dreamed that grandma had died but was sitting up and talking to our whole family. she was telling us the good things she loved about each of us. then she started saying horrible things to one member of the family. it was awful. i tried to stop her, but she wouldn't.

then you know how in dreams, things will just kind of fast forward and you'll be in another place but still the same concept of the dream is happening? well, that happened and i was lying on a bed with my mom. she looked at me and i looked at her and we said nothing. then we both cried and held onto each other out of grief for losing grandma.

i realize that grandma was a big part of my comfort when mama died. i have had no such comfort this time, and wish that mama was here.

i wonder why God has decided i'm strong enough to handle so much death by age 30.