His sudden death has left me with a tightness in my chest that after about 6 weeks, I'm thinking could be permanent. I wake up from nightmares most nights...images that reflect the fear I have about continuing in life now that I have lost both parents by the age of 30.
Saturday, August 30th was the last day life was normal. Jesse and I went to my favorite cafe in Seattle, Alki Bakery, and enjoyed cinnamon rolls and a walk on Alki Beach. 7 hours later my uncle Royce called to tell me that my father's surgery (to see why he wasn't healing from his original routine surgery) did not go well and he had been given a prognosis of imminent death with hours to live.
Thursday, September 4th, 2:13 am. Amy and I arrive at the hospital. My father's BP and heart rate are extremely low. His eyes are open but glazed over. His last breath was 2:15 am. We waited for an hour until the coroner came. He was already cold.
Saturday, September 6th 10:00 am. The funeral service.
Wednesday, September 10th. I left Texas and flew back to Seattle. I had gone to Texas with one small suitcase. I returned with 4 pieces of luggage, including my father's belt buckles, bowling pin, and cowboy hat. Also, several photo albums.
I have nightmares most nights. Strange images of burying both parents. My mother's death has become resurrected in this situation.
I am alone. There are people who care about me, but I am alone in this life. If I screw up, there's no home to go to. This is scary. A part of me, a rather big part, wants to go to Brownwood or Kerrville and hole up in my family's homes, not getting out of bed for the next year (or so).
The other day, I thought, "It's been awhile. I need to call Daddy." He is still in my cell phone, although the number was disconnected on September 30th.
My parents' anniversary was October 11th. My parents married each other twice, separated by a 5 year divorce.
Jesse met my father. He came with me to Texas. My father's eyes followed Jesse where ever he went around the ICU room. I think he was definitely checking him out. He rolled his eyes at Royce and told him, "I guess HE's one of us now."
Who is my family now?