Aama

Before I go further, let me say that I will post grad pics soon! My internet at home has been down, so I haven't had a chance...but I will soon!

I've called my grandmother "Aama" since somewhere around high school. I've never heard the word used anywhere else...until Saturday. I was browsing the Cultural Studies section at Barnes & Noble (where else would I be my first Saturday sans grad school?) and came upon a title, "Aama in America." Of course, I had to pull it off the shelf. As it turns out, "Aama" means mother in Nepali.

I LOVE the fact that I discovered this. For 14 years, my grandmother has been my mother. When my own mother became too sick to be mother, my grandmother assumed the role quietly and perfectly.

My mother is the reason I'm alive. For obvious reasons and for not so obvious reasons. Most people don't know it, but she wasn't supposed to be able to have children because of her kidney issues. So when she became pregnant, everyone except her and my grandmother thought she should have an abortion. She refused, and here I am. My mother supported me without fail and was my biggest fan and biggest warrior. She gave everything she had and wanted to give more.

She died nearly 9 years ago now. It seems so unnatural. I can't remember her voice or her smell, and often actually have to look at pictures to try to REALLY remember what she looked like. She became sick 14 years ago, when I was 14 years old. Most of the time it's okay that she's gone. I know she was in a lot of pain, mentally, emotionally and physically. She needed to go. But I have endured high school, college and young adult life now...virtually alone. Times when a mother is the only person who can comfort or fill the void or make it all better. Times when she would have said I was beautiful, when clearly, I was not. And there will be more times when she "should" be here. Times like graduating with a Masters degree. Times like if/when I get engaged and need to plan a wedding or pick out a wedding dress. Times when I'm pregnant and have kids and have no idea what to do with them or myself. Times when my grandmother passes away and she should take care of everything. Those days will come. And I will face them without a mother. Thank God that He is a mother. I know we always talk about God as Father, but I believe He is mother to me as well.

The days it is hardest are the days that "Mom should be here". I just had one of those days last Friday. Even though she wasn't able to make the trip, Aama called me incessantly until she got to find out how everything went. Aama fights for me. She prays for me. She mothers me.