Inside...

Inside, I feel sad.

Inside, I grieve deeply. Everyday.

Inside, I can't believe they are all dead.

How did I get here? I am only 31. I haven't gotten married or had kids. And now, now I have...

No Mama.
No Daddy.
No Aama.
No Russell & Louise.

I miss my mama. My warrior. The one who loved me when I lied to her face (it was only a white lie, but that seemed to matter little.) The one who came to my kickball games dressed in our team's colors and yelled louder than any other parent. The one who supported me by herself (and some child support) through five years of divorce. The one who called me Peaches & Pumpkin Cream Pie (don't ask, I have no idea to this day).

I miss my daddy. The one who took off work and got on an airplane, two things he hadn't done in 20 years, to see me graduate with a master's degree. The one who could never say or do anything unkind to anyone. The one who loved to joke and tease and always have fun. The one who snored louder and tooted stinkier than anyone I've ever known.

I miss my beloved grandmother who was my best friend. For those of you who may not know, she is the one in the picture with me at the top of this blog. The one I called Aama, which means "Mama" in Nepalese, though I had no idea when I began calling her that. The one I talked to everyday. The one who always picked up the phone, no matter what time it was. The one who never, ever got tired of listening to my stories. The one who stood at her driveway and waved until my car was out of sight. The one who was my rock, my pillar. The one for whom there are no words to describe all of the ways she was "the one who."

I miss my grandfather who I was terrified of for a good part of my life, but I later understood loved me so much. The one who helped pay for my college to make sure I had a good education. The one who laughed when the juice from my corn on the cob splattered on his right spectacle despite the utter impropriety of it.

I miss my other grandmother who helped to raise me during the years of divorce. The one who took it upon herself to teach me what it means to have self-respect and dignity. The one who painstakingly tried to teach a pre-teen good manners and how to be a proper lady. The one who is responsible for the best breakfast meal ever, Golden Rod Eggs.

Within the past 10 months, 3 of them died. I was at the bedside of one, my father, as he took his last breath and left this world. Within the past 2.5 years, 4 of them died. At the age of 19, this daughter lost her mother. I often wonder, what will become of me? My heritage is all gone. I don't even have a brother or sister to share this load of grief with. How will I get married and have kids without them? Worse, what if I don't get married and have kids, and this was the last of the family I will have?

Everyday, I miss these five pillars. Everyday, I wonder how I will continue without them. I miss their voices. I miss their wisdom. I miss their touches. I miss their unconditional, always & forever love.

Inside, I miss them.