So, hello. It's been awhile.
Since I last blogged, I've mostly been good. Happy. Going to work. Doing a little traveling on the weekends. Being Auntie Pegs to various babies & dogs. Watching American Idol with a good friend. Eating Girl Scout cookies like I don't wear them on my thighs immediately afterward. Dog-sitting Bella & Tony. Renting good movies (Whip It tops the list, thank you Ms. Barrymore).
So, sure. It's been good.
But that old familiar pang hits once in awhile...and by "once in awhile," I mean every 2-3 days. Sometimes when I look at their pictures on my nightstand first thing in the morning or last thing at night. Sometimes when I'm uncertain of my future. Sometimes when I see framed photos of four women and even though there was a picture taken with the four of them AND me, that's not the framed one in their homes because I'm still not one of them. Despite their love and acceptance since that awful day in September 2008.
And I HATE to complain about this. Again. I feel the need to apologize. Then again, it's my blog. And, that old pang hurts. It used to be the new pang; now it's the old familiar pang. In a picture of my immediate family, it's just me. Or, alternatively, old pictures of me and people who are all dead now. It's me, myself, and I in this world. I'm invited into others' homes (and am grateful for this, really I am), but none is my home. I always have to worry if I'm really welcome or if I'm overstepping my boundaries. I don't think I'll really have a home again until I get married (if I get married, oh Lord we won't even open that can of worms) and am really, truly considered "one of them."
I don't know who even reads this blog anymore, but if you're reading this and have a moment please do this. Warning: really depressing activity is coming. Please take your current life, and try to imagine it without all of these (emphasis on "all"; I know many of you don't have one or two):
No mother.
No father.
No siblings.
No grandparents.
No grandchildren.
No nieces/nephews.
No spouse.
No children.
How does your current life look now? Would you want to get out of bed in the morning? Would you have that old familiar pang?
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7 comments:
I think of you a lot, especially since I still have one of your books in my "need to give back to owner" pile. I respect your transparency and honesty. I'll always be here reading, sometimes silent and sometimes I'll say something, but there's someone here listening.
Knowing that I really can't imagine...I can attempt to imagine that the old pang would be there all-the-time. Thanks for being honest.
I agree with Andrea (I respect your transparency and honesty) and also Kate (really can't imagine...I can attempt to imagine that the old pang would be there all-the-time).
And I am thankful for your willingness to share in this post. Like Kate said, it's hard for us to imagine and so until you tell us - we don't get it. (And even then, I have to admit I can't fully get it because even if were able to imagine it... imagining ends when I open my eyes.) What you've been through and experience daily is hard, heavy and lonely.
Again, agreeing with Andrea, "I'll always be here reading, sometimes silent and sometimes I'll say something, but there's someone here listening."
Well... maybe not the silent part ;)
If I didn't have my child I don't think I'd want to get out of bed in the morning either. And sometimes I still don't. Just saying.
I'll third that. "I'll always be here reading, sometimes silent... but there's someone listening."
I hope that, despite the "old pang" you have a great week and that you can find reasons each day to get out of bed and grace the world with YOU.
there are very few people in my life i look up to. people who i respect and admire, people who live their life in such a way that not only do i admire it, but hope that i might live my life in such a way also.
you are one of those people. you have lived through my worst nightmare, through the unimaginable. and you have endured that nightmare with grace and beauty.
i keep wanting to type more, something to encourage you and find some sort of way to make sense of it all. type it up with a neat bow and make it okay. but i can't. so i'll say this, if you are ever up in oklahoma country, know you are more than welcome in my home.
Love you Pegs
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